Getting Older

After our 6 miler today I still got it!

Seriously, there is something great about being in your forties, mostly it is that you aren't in your twenties or thirties anymore.  At first that might sound crazy, but there is a certain acceptance that comes in our forties and it is very liberating.  It is kind of like the last stage of Kubler-Ross's Grief cycle: acceptance.  First we have denial.  We see that things aren't where they used to be, we realize that the guy wolf whistling on the corner is for that pert 19 year old who just stepped out of her car, but we convince ourselves we are still young. "If I had a micro mini on that whistle would be for me."  No, it wouldn't.  That sound would be a police siren and I would be arrested for indecent exposure.  Next we have anger.  "Why did I marry someone so oblivious that he did not even notice that I bought a new micro mini?"  "I wonder how many years in jail if I just bump that little 19 year old with my car?"  It was probably an accident...aren't reflexes the first thing to go at my age? Then bargaining, definitely the most expensive phase of the aging grief process. "If just get  a gym membership, and have facials once a week then can I look like I did 10 years ago?"    "If I give up every food I love and substitute kale chips can I find the fountain of youth?"  Then there is depression, or a period of time we all spent in sweat pants with a messy pony tail, thinking why even try?  "I bet my AARP card comes in the mail today."  "I wonder where the nearest Denny's is?"

Then ladies the clouds part and we arrive at the Holy Grail of acceptance.  Acceptance, the place where you let go of the fantasy of ever being that 19 year old girl again, enough to find the empathy to remember how insecure we felt at 19.  In acceptance, in my forties, I find that I know who I am and I kind of like me.  I have read a lot of books: I have been a lot of places so I have some things to talk about, besides reality TV.  I have lived through some tough situations and I have lost: people, jobs, hope, temper, sanity, and insecurity.  I have become me, as imperfect as anyone can be, but gentle with myself and a fan of all I have done and all I hope to do.  I have stood in the mirror and tried on bathing suits and thought, seriously?  What am I working out so hard for if this is still just a terrible experience?  But now at 40 I regroup and I look at the imperfections and I think of how strong that imperfect body is.  I think about the half marathons we have completed together.  I think about the times we ran under an 8 minute mile.  Then I hit the racks and get rewarded by finding a Nike suit that looks like my running tank and shorts and Voila!  I am back in business. 

I have accepted that I am the pale girl running.  I no longer spend my morning or weekends searching out the perfect self tanner and the rest of the week hiding my hands so no one can see the remnants of the application.  Self-acceptance frees up a lot of time, because we do a lot of stupid stuff trying to be something other than who we are. I am a good runner, a good wife and I am pretty good at my job.  I have some close friends and a pretty serene life.  I won't ever be a competitive athlete and I will never be a golden goddess with ripped abs, and you know what?  I am okay with that.  I will be slower than some and faster than others, and on any given day that can change.  I am mostly lucky, and finally old enough to realize it.  So for those feeling every inch of forty today...Good for you!  You are the culmination of all you have been through, accomplished, and triumphed over. I don't know about you, but the map of all that gets easier to read everyday.  It might just be my pale skin, though.